Back to work

If you are friends with me on facebook, you may already know... I'm going back to work next week.  You may also know that I'm just not thrilled at the prospect.  In fact, I'm completely upset by it.

As far as taking care of Payton goes, here is the plan so far.  Carlos will be off on Mondays and Tuesdays so he will take care of Payton those two days.  Then Wednesday through Friday he will be at an in-home daycare.  Saturday he will be in my care and Sunday is going to be family day because Carlos will be off.

I'm happy that Payton will at least be with one of us for two out of the five days of the week.  Carlos has never been alone with Payton like this so it's going to be a lot of stress on him at first.  I know that Carlos gets frustrated sometimes and doesn't always know what it is that Payton needs.  Whenever he is taking care of Payton, I am always there.  Since I've spent every day, minus one while in the hospital, with him I have a little insight into his routine and what he needs and I'm able to help Carlos.  I will do my best to make sure he knows everything he needs to know before Tuesday.

I feel very confident with the daycare we have set up but that's not the issue.  I find it hard to believe I would ever be able to trust someone with Payton, but I almost do.  Fortunately, it's also a licensed daycare so that gives me more comfort.  But the change ahead is what frightens me.  Up until I start work on Tuesday, Payton has not been out of my sight for more than five minutes (except for a couple of hospital stays).  I hate that when Payton cries someone else is going to hold him and kiss him, not me or Carlos.  It will be strange to have the independence to be able to go anywhere and do whatever I want without worrying about Payton... but I don't want that independence.  I'm going to miss Payton like crazy.  I want to spend every minute with him and I don't want to miss a single smile or giggle.  If I thought I was eager for the end of the work day when I was working before, that is nothing compared to the way I will be running home to see my baby now.

I live for making my baby laugh and smile.

My stomach is in a giant knot.  I hate that we only have a couple days left together like this.  Then he will spend more of his waking hours with a babysitter than he will spend with me.  If it were financially feasible, I would stay home to be with him all the time.  I hope Carlos and I can make this weekend extra special.