We are smack dab in the middle of sleep training as I write. Poor little Payton is having such a hard time... and I blame myself. I hope he will give in soon.

How has my life changed?

Well, no, you haven't asked... but I'm going to tell you.  It's pretty cliche, but so true.  Since we've had Payton my life has changed in so many ways.  But the biggest of those changes is that I have something (someone) to live for.

Before it was all about me but now it's all about Payton.  Truly, everything I do is for him.  I hope he will understand that some day.

This is supposed to make life easier, right?

I broke down last night... and this morning. You may be able to sense my frustration in the blog I posted yesterday evening.

Payton is not on any type of schedule. He's not on an eating schedule and he's not on a sleeping schedule. It has been nearly impossible to put him on an eating schedule since I've been breastfeeding and having a lot of difficulties with it. Not so much the act of breastfeeding because Payton latches on like a champ. I suppose he got that from his father. No, it has more to do with either my inability to produce enough milk for him or his inability to stay awake to finish eating. Either way, he is always hungry! I spend more time when I'm home with him attached to my boob than doing anything else. To make matters worse, he won't sleep during the day unless he's in the car (and it has to be moving, with no stops!) or in either my or Carlos's arms. Can I add a little more to that? When he's sleeping, he almost always wants my nipple in his mouth. If you're keeping up, you may already know that from The Human Pacifier.

So today I'm doing a little extra work. Instead of sticking a bottle or nipple in his mouth every time he gets fussy, I'm doing something that no one really told me I needed to do... I'm putting Payton on a schedule. Now, that last sentence made me sound really bad. It's not that I'm lazy, it's just that I didn't know what else to do. Since I was breastfeeding, I didn't know how much milk he was getting. So when he got fussy and seemed to be hungry, I tried to feed him again. I was following the on-demand method. I was hoping that eventually my body would get the clue and start producing more milk so the problem would fix itself. Cluelessly, I somehow thought a schedule would emerge out of this process.

Payton actually interacting with his toys today.

Today and going forward, Payton is going on a schedule. Maybe not a strict schedule, but one nonetheless. Here are the guidelines:
Payton will eat every three to four hours, four ounces of a concoction of half formula and half breast milk. After his feeding, I will pump. Hopefully the regularity of the pumping will boost my production. After his feeding I'm doing my best to play with and distract Payton from the idea of eating. I'm going to have to do this until he starts to get used to the schedule (right?). Additionally, I'm working on getting Payton used to the idea of not being held 100% of the time. His last meager one hour nap was a one hour battle in the boppy to get a very obviously tired little child to fall asleep.  Tomorrow Carlos has agreed to give me a break.  He is going to take care of Payton while I do housework and continue my pumping schedule.

The result of our nap battle.

Did I mention that I have a kidney stone and I feel like crap.  Taking care of Payton and taking care of myself  seem to be conflicting priorities.

Have any other mommies out there had these types of problems? Am I the only one?

Schedule what?

Today I talked to a friend who had her second baby almost two weeks ago. She said she already has the baby and her two-year-old on a schedule. Wtf? What the hell am I missing? My almost two-month-old still is not on any type of schedule. How do you put a baby on a schedule anyway? And why didn't anyone teach THAT to me? This has been eating me up all day.

The Human Pacifier

Duh duh duuuuuuuhhhhh!  The title of this post sounds like it should be a Vin Diesel movie, right?

{ehem}

Ladies and Gentlemen! My loyal readers!  (All five of you) We are in the midst of a battle!  One battle in a war that my doctor expects to last one to two weeks...

You may remember a post of mine from a while back (and when I say a while back, I think I mean a little over a week since this blog is not that old) about a difficult night we had with Payton and trying to get him to sleep.  Let me refresh your memory with the highlights.... Payton wasn't sleeping through the night, the usual tricks weren't working, and I blame myself for being a bad parent.  As I said before and I stand by today, our spectacular plan for Payton to sleep truly back fired on us.  I wish that lactation consultant at the hospital never taught me how to do the laying down nursing position.  The result of those troubles was to implement a bedtime routine which we already basically had and a bedtime.  We kept the routine and added no/soft talking and a sound effect machine with projector.  The projector and heart beat sounds effect worked wonders, on me.  I passed the hell out in no time!  Damn you lactation specialist for teaching me that nursing can be comfy too.  No bed time was instated due to hectic schedules.  However, two nights ago I came to the realization that the reason we have suddenly turned into co-sleepers (code for "the baby sleeps in bed with the parents") is that Payton essentially turned me into THE HUMAN PACIFIER!  I imagine that to be said dramatically and with bass.

Have you seen these adorable pacifiers??  Apparently they are supposed to help hold the pacifier in place so it won't fall out of the baby's mouth while sucking.  I find it to be a risk for SIDS but who am I?  Certainly not a doctor!  If I were some sort of expert, I wouldn't be writing this embarrassing blog!  So imagine with me, if you will, a nipple pacifier with a giant body attached... perhaps life sized?  I think that's pretty much how Payton sees me.

I noticed something was up during the day, as well.  Payton wasn't taking a lot of naps and would only sleep in my arms.  I assumed that he was falling asleep in my arms before he was actually full so that's why he was waking up over and over to eat again.  I do a lot of reading and research about babies and read that a newborn this young can not be spoiled so it didn't concern me too much.  Though I was pretty determined to find a pacifier that he would accept because I had a hunch that there were many times throughout the day when he wanted to eat even though he was not hungry (I will address the pacifier issue in just a second).  There were times when he had to poop or was uncomfortable or basically any time we changed his diaper and he wanted to eat.  But two nights ago it clicked.  Since I fell asleep and was no longer waking up to put him in his bed I didn't realize that the periodic times that I was drifting in and out of sleep to find him sucking or looking to suck was not because he was hungry, he just wanted something to suck on.  He was doing this during the day as well as in the night.  This, by the way, is not very restful sleep.

When Payton was born, I did not even want Payton to use a pacifier, thinking it would be bad for him and screw up his teeth.  It was Carlos who burst my bubble on the idea that I had some sort of control over the situation, (which initially pissed me off because I'm a control freak), but he was right.  We used the soothie pacifier that pretty much every newborn is given in the hospital.  Being a superficial mommy (always wanting my baby to look his cutest) and not knowing the benefits of this pacifier, I just found it to be no-so-cute.  Payton also seemed to struggle with it, it was always falling out of his mouth.  In an attempt to give him a binky that would stay in his mouth, I gave him the Nuk pacifier which we had from the baby shower because they were lighter.  It worked!  Unfortunately it only worked for one day, one nap really.  We also had some MAM pacifiers from the baby shower hat I decided to give a shot.  These are more cute and don't have a ring so the baby won't accidentally pull the paci out of his mouth.  These were also a no go.  Determined to find something that could work, I did a little more research and dragged Carlos to Babies R Us to get two more brands.  I desperately hoped that he would take to the Tommee Tippee brand.  We use the bottles and they are great!  He has been able to switch back and forth between the bottle and breastfeeding with no problem at all.  Due to this fact and and the orthodontic design of the pacifier, I thought it would be a hit.  It also got pretty great reviews online.  But Payton did not like this one either.  Totally bummed I tried my last effort with Playtex because these look like a nipple and since he seems to be so interested in having my nipple in his mouth, it might work.  Payton did not have the slightest interest in this pacifier either.  In fact, with every pacifier we tried there were about two or three seconds of sucking and satisfaction until the look of disgust went over this face when he realized milk was not going to come out and he spit the pacifier out.  It was two nights ago, when I made the great realization, that I also remembered a small amount of success with the soothie from the hospital.  So, for the past two days I have been coaching him back into using this one with small amounts of success here and there.  Small victory for me! OK OK Too much details!  Let's go back to our battle and war...

One Day Old - Enjoying his soothie before going home.

Yesterday I had my six week visit with the OB Doctor, Dr. Simmons; I just love her!  We were discussing my concerns and questions when she asked me if Payton is sleeping through the night.  I explained to her that "he won't sleep without my nipple in his mouth".  She completely confirmed my belief and told me that he was using me as a pacifier and it needed to stop.  She suggested that Carlos begin feeding him in the night and that I not be around so I am out of sight and out of mind.  Dr. Simmons told me she had the same problem with her daughter so that made me feel much better.  But she said to expect the process of breaking him out of this cycle to last a week or two.

Carlos and I wanted to get started right away so we started his bedtime routine somewhat early.  Bath and feeding and in bed at 10:00.  I want to say that we started early at night because we knew it was going to be a rough one, but I did just have my six week check up which meant we could do what adults are supposed to do at night {wink, wink}.  After I fed Payton, I waited for him to fall asleep and gently placed him in his bed.  he began to stir immediately so Carlos shushed me off to take my shower.  This normally might have pissed me off because I always want to know what is happening with my baby, but he was right again.  He worked to try to get him back to sleep but it didn't work.  So when I came out of the shower I changed his diaper and Carlos patted his back until he fell back to sleep.  It was amazing!  I had the most restful sleep I've had in a long time, until 2:00 AM.  I got up, showed Carlos how to use the bottle warmer, changed his diaper, and passed him off to Carlos to feed.  I also pumped during this feeding.  He got to sleep at about 2:40 AM and woke again shortly after.  I changed his diaper and passed him to Carlos to feed.  I think he went back to sleep at about 4:30 AM and woke again at 5:30.  At this point Carlos is tired and frustrated the way I usually am through the night.  Yet, for some reason I am completely calm and awake.  I could get used to this change the diaper and pass the baby to someone else to feed routine!

It is currently 6:20 AM and I am sitting on the floor with my therapist (my blog) and Carlos is asleep on the bed with Payton on his chest.  Yes, I do think we are cheating.  We wait until Payton is sufficiently asleep before putting him to bed...but the whatever whatever wasn't built in a day, right?  Hopefully by the end of this process Payton will be able to start falling asleep on his own.  I hope, and I use the term hope very lightly, to return to work August 16th (pending a day care set up with is the subject for another blog one of these days) so I hope to have him in a good, solid bedtime routine by then.

Wish us luck!

Forgive me if this was not the greatest blog post as I had written something really great (pearls of wisdom, really) through the night but it was somehow all lost and I had to re-write it all!

I hope we aren't replacing one sleeping problem with another.